


A Team of Crows Vs A Horrible Goose

by butterfly_wings



Category: Haikyuu!!, Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Humor, This Is STUPID, This isn't meant to be taken seriously, ennotana and asanoya r rlly only there if u try to see it, kinonari is just background, no beta we die like daichi, oh also the vice principal is there too idk what his name is tho, tsukki might be a lil ooc btw sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:29:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25722874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterfly_wings/pseuds/butterfly_wings
Summary: It is a lovely afternoon at Karasuno High School, and there is a horrible goose.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Ennoshita Chikara/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Kinoshita Hisashi/Narita Kazuhito, Minor or Background Relationship(s), if you squint
Comments: 13
Kudos: 78





	A Team of Crows Vs A Horrible Goose

**To-Do List**

**Get inside the gym**

**Knock over a ball cart**

**Steal a pair of glasses**

**Break a broom**

**Bonus: wear a wig**

The team later unanimously agreed to never speak of the goose incident again, too horrified (and, in Tsukishima’s case, embarrassed) to recount the events that happened that day.

Kinoshita and Narita are kissing by the water fountain, their bottles carelessly dropped on the ground, when they hear the honk.

“Huh?” Kinoshita asks, jumping back from Narita. “There’s not normally geese around here, right?”

“No.” Narita stares at the white goose behind his boyfriend. The goose tilts its head, almost inquisitively, staring right back at Narita. He wonders where it possibly could have come from.

“We should get back to practice,” Kinoshita says, picking up their water bottles and ignoring the goose. “Noya will wonder where I’ve been.”

“Right.” Narita grins as Kinoshita hands him his water bottle. “How are your jump floats doing, anyways?” They start making their way back, not noticing the goose that starts to follow them.

“Yamaguchi’s still way better,” Kinoshita replies. He stretches his arms above his head as they walk back to the gym. “But I’ll get there!” 

“Course you will,” Narita says, lifting up the net to let them both back into the gym. Kinoshita ducks under, presses a kiss to Narita’s lips as he passes, then darts back to Noya and Yamaguchi.

Narita stands there for a moment too long, just watching Kinoshita with a smile on his face, before he drops the netting and re-joins practice.

“Honk!”

Amidst the chaos of volleyballs (and players) hitting the ground, very few people actually notice it. However, one of those who does notice happens to be Tanaka…who was just about to practice his jump serve.

The ball has just left his hands when he hears it. Instead of serving it, Tanaka turns his head, looks around to make sure he didn’t hallucinate a honk, spots fluffy white feathers, shouts…and then promptly gets hit in the face with a volleyball.

“Tanaka!” Ennoshita runs over and grabs Tanaka’s face. Blood trickles from his nose. “Are you okay?”

“Goose,” Tanaka says dumbly. He’s slightly distracted by Ennoshita’s eyes. Were they always that pretty? And warm? 

“What?” Ennoshita frowns, peering into his eyes. “That ball must have hit you harder than I thought.”

“No, wait, Chikara,” Tanaka says, remembering what had distracted him. “I heard a honk!”

“Ryuu!” Noya comes barreling over, Kinoshita in tow. “We saw what happened! Are you okay?”

“I heard a goose!” Tanaka exclaims.

“Oh, that’s weird,” says Kinoshita. “Kazuhito and I saw one when we went to fill our water bottles.”

“Make out, you mean,” Noya corrects, and Kinoshita blushes. “Ryuu, you’re really bleeding.”

“Oi!” Coach Ukai shouts, and the four second years turn and look at him. “Are you okay?”

“I’ll help him get cleaned up, Coach,” Ennoshita volunteers, wrapping an arm around Tanaka’s shoulders.

“Okay. Kinoshita, Noya, get back to practice!” 

“R-right!”

Tanaka looks around the gym frantically as Ennoshita walks him out, but there’s not a sign of the goose anywhere.

Suga snickers as he watches Tanaka and Ennoshita go. “Heh, wonder what made him miss that serve,” he comments to Daichi.

“Don’t laugh at him,” Daichi says, although a smile’s playing on his own lips. “He took a ball to the face.”

“And now he’s off with Ennoshita,” Suga agrees, spinning a volleyball in his hands. “Say, do you think–”

Daichi never gets to find out what Suga thinks, because there’s a loud crash as the ball cart tips over. Volleyballs spill over the floor, bouncing loudly everywhere. Suga drops his volleyball.

“Hina–” Kageyama shouts, but his warning is lost as Hinata, unaware of the chaos behind him, spikes Kageyama’s toss before he lands back on the ground.

At least, he should have landed on the ground.

What actually happens is this:

Kageyama shouts, “Hinata!” as Hinata’s hand hits the volleyball. Hinata watches with satisfaction as the ball sails over the net, landing cleaning on the opposite side of the court. His back is turned to the falling ball cart, so he is unaware of the volleyballs bouncing all over the ground…right under his feet.

Noya winces as Hinata’s foot lands on a volleyball and flies out from underneath him, his legs shooting out in opposite directions, his arms wind-milling wildly as he desperately tries to catch his balance. Yachi squeaks in pain and Tsukishima actually looks sympathetic for once as Hinata crashes onto the gym floor, limbs askew.

“Hinata!” Kageyama runs over to help him up. “Be more careful when you jump!”

Hinata just groans from his spot on the floor. “That really hurt,” he whines. A stray volleyball bounces off his hand, and Hinata lets his head thump onto the floor. Kageyama stares at him, mouth opening and closing as he tries to work out something to say.

“Are you okay?” Yamaguchi asks hesitantly. He makes his way over to Hinata and helps him to his feet. “Do you need to get cleaned up?”

“I’m fine,” Hinata says, stretching out his arms. “How did the ball cart fall over?”

Pleased that Hinata seems okay, Kageyama says, “Be more careful when you jump, idiot. We–”

“How was I supposed to know that the ball cart fell over?” Hinata shouts, effectively cutting off whatever else Kageyama was going to say. “Bakageyama! If our positions had been switched, you would’ve fallen just as badly!”

Tsukishima snickers, inching closer to Yamaguchi. “I see the idiots are fine,” he drawls, mostly to himself, since Yamaguchi isn’t within earshot to laugh like usual. Why did Yamaguchi have to go help Hinata? Hinata’s resilient; he’ll be fine. Tsukishima can’t believe he felt sympathetic for the little monster (that fall did look like it hurt though; Tsukishima can admit that much).

“You have to be careful!” Kageyama retorts, clearly angry now. “If you get hurt, you can’t play volleyball! Boke Hinata!”

Whatever (lame) retort Hinata comes up with goes unheard by Tsukishima, whose attention is drawn to Asahi’s sudden shriek of fear. He looks over his shoulder and is just in time to see their glass-hearted ace dive behind Suga and Daichi, the former looking extremely perplexed, the latter looking like he needs a break.

“Asahi, what are you doing? You’re taller than me,” Daichi grumbles. There has never been a point in their lives when Daichi has been tall enough to hide Asahi. Why Asahi is using Daichi as a shield, Daichi will never know.

“A goose!” Asahi cries. “It attacked me!”

“I don’t see any goose,” Tsukishima says, continuing to sneak closer to Yamaguchi. If practice is halted, he wants to be able to share his snark with someone who will appreciate it. 

That, and he is downright _terrified_ of geese. But that’s not important. He hasn’t seen any geese yet, so it’s probably fine. Probably.

“Oh,” Narita says suddenly. “Hisashi and I saw one when we were filling up our water bottles.”

“You mean mak–THERE!” Noya releases a gleeful shriek and points at the white goose, who freezes as all eyes in the room turn towards it.

“T-that’s a goose!” Yachi exclaims, her voice shooting up several octaves, and that’s all it takes.

“Honk!” The goose seems cheerful as it takes off, running straight towards Tsukishima.

Several things happen at once.

Tsukishima releases the most ungodly screech anyone has ever heard as the goose rushes towards him. Noya dives right at the goose, yelling something about Asahi, only he misses and slides across the floor, a few feathers floating around him, volleyballs crashing as he smashes into a few. Hinata follows suit, leaping at the goose and joining Noya on the floor, more volleyballs flying everywhere as he too slides along the floor. Yamaguchi rushes forward, grabs the still-screaming Tsukishima and starts dragging him away from the goose, only to trip over the stray volleyballs and send both of them flying (it doesn’t help that Tsukishima didn’t move when Yamaguchi grabbed him). Suga bursts into laughter and leans on Daichi for support. Asahi peers out at the mess, still hiding behind the two. Yachi, horrified, feels her ears go cold and hears blood rushing in her head before she passes out.

Tsukishima sits up, disgruntled and confused at how blurry everything is. It takes him a moment to realize that his glasses had fallen off (as if this day couldn't get any worse. He was already pissed because he had left his sports glasses at home). He blinks owlishly, his eyes wider than anyone in Karasuno (save Yamaguchi) has ever seen.

Kageyama says, “You look different without glasses. Less of an asshole.”

Suga falls on the floor, somehow managing to yank down both Daichi and Asahi as peals of laughter escape him. Daichi yelps as he falls; Asahi just crashes silently.

The goose, who had been following Tsukishima pretty closely, grabs his glasses and runs in the opposite direction, flapping its wings as it sprints away from Noya and Hinata, who are still lunging and screaming as they run after it.

“How did that goose get in here?” Ukai shouts.

“Oh!” Kinoshita grins. “Tanaka said something about a goose when he got hit in the face!”

Ukai blinks, clearly thrown off by that. “Did I ask that?” he demands, and Kinoshita flinches. “How did that goose get inside?”

“I don’t care; someone help me get my glasses!” Tsukishima spits. “I need those to see!”

“Is Yachi okay?” Narita asks, but no one responds. Noya and Hinata are joined by Yamaguchi in their attempts to catch the goose, although it really just looks like the three of them are diving amidst volleyballs and shrieking. The goose is fast, knocking volleyballs as it runs through the gym, flapping its wings in agitation whenever someone gets too close. Suga stands up, still laughing, his knees shaking as mirth bubbles from him.

“Oh man,” he says. “Kiyoko goes with Takeda-sensei for a few minutes and the gym falls apart.” He wipes his eyes before planting his hands on his hips. “Alright! Everyone! We must catch that goose!”

The goose honks in alarm. Tsukishima’s glasses clatter to the floor. 

Yamaguchi lunges forward and snatches the glasses back up, narrowly avoiding the goose’s beak. “Tsu–OW!”

Unfortunately, Suga barrels into Yamaguchi, apparently having decided that the best course of action was for him to join Noya and Hinata in throwing themselves at the goose. The glasses go flying once more, and Yamaguchi lunges desperately after them, but trips over Suga. The goose honks a few more times, before lunging forward and rushing after the glasses, flapping its wings vigorously.

“For Asahi!” Noya shouts, and proceeds to do another flying dive at the goose. 

Narita, the only one not shouting or cringing in fear, moves Yachi to the side of the room, silently praying that their second manager hasn’t died, and then looks at the entrance of the gym.

Takeda, Kiyoko, and the vice principal are coming down the walkway.

Asahi–who’s still crouching on the ground, protecting his head, and also actively trying not to think about how Noya’s shouting “For Asahi!” as he lunges after the goose–spots the same thing and promptly panics even more. This is the _worst_ possible time for the vice principal to come. Something bad _always_ happens with his wig whenever he’s around their volleyball team. He’d heard the story of how Hinata and Kageyama knocked it off on their first day of practice.

“Daichi!” he shouts, desperate. “Don’t–”

Daichi doesn’t hear him, too focused on running after the goose (at least he’s not jumping at it like Noya, Hinata, and Suga).

Kiyoko lifts up the net to let Takeda and the vice principal in. The goose, sensing a chance to escape, makes a beeline for the opening. Takeda’s eyes widen once he’s taken a few steps into the gym, finally starting to process that this isn’t just a normal volleyball practice.

“Not so fast!” Hinata shouts, still not seeing the approaching danger, and he (and Kageyama! When did Kageyama join the fray? Asahi thinks anxiously, as he watches everything unfold like a terrible slow-motion movie) dives towards the goose once more.

What happens next will haunt Asahi’s nightmares (and Yachi’s, who finally opens her eyes and shrieks, “Shimizu-senpai!!” in warning, and Daichi’s, who feels his heart stop when he notices the vice principal, and Ennoshita’s, who doesn’t need to be there to imagine the sheer horror of the event).

Hinata and Kageyama smash into not only each other, but they also crash into Takeda, knocking him backwards. He yelps as he falls, dropping his clipboard, and somehow managing to knock over the vice principal.

The entire Karasuno volleyball team winces as a familiar black wig soars into the air once more. Shimizu’s eyes widen as the wig flips once before landing smack dab on the goose’s head.

Shimizu has to cover her mouth with her hands to keep from laughing. The net falls shut behind her.

Daichi internally screams. He cannot believe that they've knocked off the wig, again. 

Kinoshita scoots behind Ukai (although he doesn’t hide _directly_ behind him, just puts Ukai in front of him), who’s gaping at the mess of people (and the goose) instead of paying attention to what’s going on behind him (as if Kinoshita could ever be a threat).

The vice principal sits up. “What,” he asks, sounding more dazed and confused than anything. “Is going on in here?!”

The goose, Tsukishima’s glasses still in its beak, seems extremely smug.

“T-t-takeda-sensei!” Hinata exclaims, pushing himself up and offering a hand. “Are you okay?!”

“Ugh.” Takeda stares at the gym ceiling, wonders where his own glasses went, then wonders what happened in this gym while he was gone. Maybe he should stop leaving practice in Ukai’s hands (though the thought is banished as quickly as it came).

“Hinata boke!” Kageyama shouts. “Did you kill sensei?” There’s definitely panic in his voice though. Takeda blinks, confused.

“I wouldn’t have hit him if you hadn’t hit me, Bakagayama!” Hinata retorts, and Takeda can feel a headache coming on. He forces himself to his feet, dusting off his clothes.

“I’m okay,” he says calmly, reminding himself not to yell. Both Hinata and Kageyama take a few steps back in fear, and Asahi and Yamaguchi flinch (Yachi hasn’t stopped shaking). “Now. Where are my glasses, and does someone want to tell the vice principal and me what, exactly, is going on here?”

Everyone looks at each other, unable to form a coherent thought, and then slowly, all ten volleyball players turn to the goose with the wig on its head and glasses in its beak. The goose looks right back at them, ruffling its feathers as if preparing to fight. It looks incredibly smug; in fact, if a goose could smirk, everyone in the gym has no doubt that it would.

“And how,” Takeda asks, his voice low and steady, sending chills down everyone’s spines, “did a _goose_ get into practice?”

Before anyone can form a coherent response, there’s a loud whine of “Chikara!” that sounds suspiciously like Tanaka from outside. Sure enough, Tanaka and Ennoshita appear, Tanaka yelling something about…a goose?

“I’m sure there’s a goose in our gym,” Ennoshita says sarcastically, and if Yamaguchi wasn't currently terrified of Takeda's wrath, he would have laughed at the irony. So would Tsukishima, but as it was, he was also too angry about having lost his glasses to focus on much else.

Ennoshita lifts up the net to let him and Tanaka back in, and before anyone can do or say anything, the goose (who had been inching closer and closer to the exit in the quiet) races out, the wig still perched on its head, nearly knocking Ennoshita over in the process. Both Ennoshita and Tanaka (along with the rest of Karasuno, really) turn and stare blankly as the goose vanishes.

“Wait,” says Ennoshita, staring at the volleyballs and players who are scattered everywhere. “Tanaka actually heard a goose?!”

“I knew it!” Tanaka crows. “I knew I wasn’t hearing things! Take that, Chikara!” 

The goose sighs once it’s safely ensconced in its nest. The glasses are carefully placed in a little corner, and the goose lets the wig slide off to cover them. It sucks that no brooms were broken, the goose thinks, reflecting on the chaos of the day, but the wig was a fortunate accident. Getting the wig had seemed highly unlikely, so the goose is feeling quite proud. Maybe next time a broom will break.

Yeah. There’s always tomorrow.

With a satisfied honk, the goose goes to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> i recently learned that untitled goose game fanfic is a thing and i couldn't help myself. i hope this was okay but to completely honest being funny is not my strong suit. personally i just wanted the goose to terrorize karasuno.
> 
> tsukishima is definitely a little out of character but i wanted his glasses to be stolen and i couldn't stop laughing at the idea of him being absolutely petrified of geese, so that's why we have tsukishima who is afraid of geese :)
> 
> anyways! i imagine this to be sometime post-shiratorizawa match but before nationals. i also used one of those door-net-screen things that nekoma's gym three has, but as i'm typing this out i am realizing that i don't know if karasuno has one. if they didn't, well, they do now i guess. 
> 
> thank u for reading! please leave a kudos or a comment if u liked it!


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